Wednesday, February 22, 2006
revelation . realisation . confusion #
ooohh. 2nd day with the hospice home care grp! enriching. that's THE word to describe the experience i've gotten these 2 days. saw a lot of things that ple will deem as disgusting. shan't describe much.
saw the value of life. the potency of pain. the importance of kinship and support. the power of touch.
i wish that my family and friends will never have to go through what i've seen in the hospice and kk. i wish them health and happiness. i wish that they will be pink in health forever and ever and will not experience pain or any sort. i wish that they will take good care of themselves. and not fall ill. i wish that they can enjoy a great quality of life now and in the future. i wish that God will be with them.
after working at kk and going thr attachment, i made many realisation. suddenly everything that i once lamented, everything that i was once troubled with and everything that upset me seems inconsequential. minor. and silly.
everyone at work told me i'm going thr what many ple of my age will not see and never see. and this suddenly made sense: "Ignorance is a blessing."
yet i wouldn't say i regret what i'm putting myself thr. i think i grew to appreciate things much more. n im thankful for everything i have.
many girls of my age would scream at blood. turn their heads away from black rotting feet that might just detach any moment (or so i was told), cry at dying people.. now that i've proven to myself that i can take the emotional stress of facing pain and death of patients, look at blood and not flinch and etc, i suddenly realised i've proven myself nothing. i wanted to see if i can take the stress should i ever become a doctor. so i did what i did.
so now there's high chance i can ask the doc at kk for a reference letter to make up the part that is lacking in my cert (s papers) if i manage to get my four As (which i duno if i can ever get it, considering that i screwed up. din finish my papers). and get myself a chance to vye for a place in medical sch.. i suddenly think that i shld go the easy way out.
yes. the thank you from patients might be very rewarding and brighten up your day really. being able to help when patients in pain plead for help is nobel in a sense. but m i ready for it?
mayb i should just go into some co-porate jobs. earn lots of money and lead an easy life. see. i don't know what i want. how many of us really do anyway?
as usual. im confused. still confused.
i want to be happy. have time for my family and friends. groom my kids.
i don't need to put myself thr all these. i can choose to not face the sick and dying.
but do i really want to do that?
i don't.
coz that's life and we should always face life bravely.
confused.
nvm. shall keep thinking. or i will be rambling on n on here. publishing what's on my confused mind.
i cant stop doubting myself and my ability. n i cant stop reaffirming myself about my ability.
pisces - two fish swimming in different directions. im such a typical pisces.